Rewind Wednesday, Part 2: Last August 2nd

Okay, fast forward. Went through security and up the stairs.

It was really quiet except for my heart pounding so heavily it had to be audible. I was 15 minutes early. Good. Some time to sit peacefully and get a hold of myself. I sat down and looked into the deep, dark depths of my purse for a mirror to assess my crazy hair day situation.

It wasn't three minutes later I heard "Oh, good, she's already here."

I never found the mirror. Instead I found myself trying to listen carefully to what was being said to me over my heartbeat pulsating in my ears. I stood back up, and I don't know why it didn't bother me earlier that morning, but all the fluid and bruising in my achy-breaky legs just went woosh down to my toes. My legs felt like water balloons as I went through the door with a big smile on my face and my hand outstretched.

They all seemed so tall. And I seemed really young and short.

Meet the Press. Sit up. Smile. Look at them! Don't act like you usually do.  The enormity of it all overwhelmed me. How on Earth had I ended up here? Listen to the questions. I felt like the walls were closing in, inch by inch.

It didn't take long, and then I cracked. Between going through my don't list over and over and debating whether to not to wear my glasses after all (they ended up on the floor after I knocked them off the table), I cracked. I was not going to maintain my composure. In an instant, I was sure that I had ruined everything I had convinced myself wasn't even possible.

Well, what do you do when your in a situation like that? It wasn't like I could get up and leave. So, the only split second option I had was to just be myself. After all, how many people would ever make it as far as that little room? Time to just let it go and forget all the things on the don't list.

I was too emotional. Too silly. And dramatic. Meet the Press had effectively become Oprah's couch. I was just Erin, 5th grade teacher, not pulled together teacher-leader. I'll never see them again, I thought. What difference does it make? I'll just be me, there's nothing to lose now.

My leg really hurt.

And that's how it went for thirty-or-so minutes. I didn't just wear my heart on my sleeve; I added glitter to make it stand out.

Then it was time to give my speech. Now, people dear to me had invested their time in listening to me speak, encouraging me to be confident. In my mind I had now disappointed them more than humanly possible. I owed them all to give it my best on that speech, even if I had blown it. And so I did. I spoke from my heart, where every word had come from, because that's what every person I represented deserved.

It's a little strange giving a big speech to a small group of people. Or maybe I took the assignment completely out of context.

No sooner than it began I was out the door. Embarrassed. Ashamed of myself. I filled out paperwork and quickly was escorted to the main entrance and into the sunshine.

I called Brad. He was already there in the parking lot. I could see him. But I wasn't moving.

"Do you see me? Just walk this way."

I still wasn't moving.

He ended up getting out of the car. Again. All I could muster after spilling my heart out for 45 minutes was a barely audible "It's over."

And then I got in the car.

"I can't believe it! I did everything I shouldn't have done! It was horrible. It's over. It was never going to happen anyway. That's it. That's it?! Why did I say that? It's over. I'm so embarrassed. It is so over."

I said that all the way home. Over and over. For about 4 and-a-half hours. It's a wonder that he didn't make me get out and walk home. Stopping the car first would have been a plus.

***
A month later, I was in the throws of a new school year. I had effectively blocked any thought of my interview or speech unless asked, then I had my "It just wasn't meant to be" line all ready to go. I got a letter in the mail congratulating me and advising to have some remarks prepared in case I was the teacher of the year.

I almost threw it away. Then I thought better and just tossed it in a pile of random papers on my desk.

Two days later, I was chilling on the couch after school. Great day, but a long, tiring one. It was going to be a good year. I whipped out my phone and engrossed myself in a round of Angry Birds.

I was so intent on using the white "egg" bird that NEVER drops the egg in the right spot I didn't hear Brad come in the room.

"Did you get a letter?"

"About what?"

"Don't you need to write a speech?"

I made a face. Nosey. "I don't need to write any more speeches. It's over. There's no way. Don't look at my mail." I went back to bombing the ugly green piggies on Angry Birds.

"I think you better write a speech."

"I love you too, but I know when it's not going to be me. Stop bothering me and don't look at my mail."

"I think you need to get ready for October 9th."

Mr. Persistent. Humph. There's no way. It's over.

And then, I got a feeling. The feeling you get when someone is possibly hiding something from you. When you're the last to know. What if...

I let the black bomb bird disintegrate into the virtual sky and went to go dig up that letter.

***

Well, we all know how this story ended. You just never knew how it started.

I'm asked a lot about what makes me the teacher of the year. Eleven months in and I still don't have the answer people are looking for.

It's not about being all pulled together. Or having all the right answers. Or how many committees or student teachers you've served.

As I said in part one, we aren't always kind to ourselves in this profession. So much is expected, and we often feel we come up short. We not only want to feel empowered, but know that others see our potential, too.

We're all looking for someone just like us.

I'm proof that broken, flawed people with purpose and determination can be leaders, speakers, and amazingly enough, role models. Sometimes your purpose is revealed to you in ways you would never anticipate.

Be different. Be the difference.

But most importantly, be yourself.

Rewind Wednesday, Part 1: Last August 2nd

I haven't done a Rewind Wednesday for a while. I'm giving myself an hour to type this, then I have to get some rest before I spend the day at school tomorrow and then drive four and-a-half hours.

But what I have to say is important - to someone, hopefully. If not, it's just an important reflection to me about how this journey began.

***

I didn't even hear my cell phone ring. I was asleep, in the kitchen, with my forehead resting on the island. I had come home from Germany three days earlier and was still incredibly jet lagged. A few minutes later I drowsily checked my voicemail, not even lifting my head up. I think I dreamed a phone was ringing.

When I heard the message, I went from half asleep to almost falling off the kitchen stool.

I was being contacted to schedule an interview for the 2014 West Virginia Teacher of the Year. I scribbled down a call back number and a date on a piece of paper clinging to the refrigerator, and cleared my throat. Then I started pacing. I paced as I called to schedule my interview. I paced the house as I sent texts to what I hope were people in my contact list but maybe some random people that accidentally got added (but sent nice texts back anyway). I paced the house for probably an hour and-a-half, until my leg started aching.

I tripped getting on a train in Frankfurt two weeks earlier. In an instant I was between the stairs of a train and the train platform. While the teachers who were with me lifted me up and got me onto the train safely, I badly bruised and busted my right leg so much that within 24 hours I was in Heidelberg University Hospital emergency room because I could no longer put weight on it. I managed to make it through the remainder of the trip with a wrap and some mega-antibiotics, but still wasn't the most graceful creature on two legs (I'm still not).

In one week I was going to have an interview to represent the education profession in West Virginia, and I could barely walk - or recount what time zone I was in.

While my friends and colleagues sent their good vibes, I felt less and less confident each day as I wrapped my head around it all. I knew it was possible - but I didn't think it would really happen. This has gotten out of hand, I thought to myself. This is too big, too much for me. I'm a terrible speaker. I do weird, blinky things with my eyes when I talk. My eye contact is horrendous. I'm too silly and emotional (the side effects of being in the fifth grade for so long). I look like a fifth grader. 

(Keep in mind, through a lot of practice and YouTube videos on public speaking, I have conquered my public speaking quirks. I'm not as bad as I thought I was, but at this moment in my life I felt incredibly insufficient.)
 
I read something recently, how we shouldn't treat ourselves any worse than we would our best friend. As teachers, often we are our worst critics. It's safe to say at this point last late July I wasn't being a very good friend to myself. If it's possible to bully yourself, I was doing it.

I went through the next week pacing the house (in between elevating my leg), Googling everything about any and all education issues in existence (and making note cards - I don't know why, but for some reason, I went on an index card kick for six days, and I never use index cards). I wrote a speech. I practiced my speech. I timed my speech. I made other people listen to my speech. Other people, namely the administrators at the Berkeley County Leadership Academy, listened to my speech to give me an audience. They didn't have to do that, but they did. The support and confidence I received from my Berkeley County school family was uplifting beyond anything I could possibly deserve. I reviewed my "don't" list:

Don't cross your legs over and over. Don't cry, even if you're nervous. Don't take your glasses on and off. Don't freak out and make a fool of yourself and Berkeley County. Don't be silly. Pretend it's "Meet the Press." Act like the accomplished teacher you are instead of a scared kid on the first day of school.

I was so nervous my husband drove me to Charleston, taking a day and-a-half from work, because I would have driven off the road at that point - or turned around and gone home. I shuffled my index card collection and listened to myself say my speech on my phone (I recorded it over and over, because I wanted to make sure I enunciated everything correctly) the entire four and-a-half hour drive. You can only imagine what great company I was to have in that car.

Eventually, I went to sleep that night. I think I wore myself out with my antics. The next morning when I woke up, my eyes were itchy and swollen - probably from lack of sleep and the detergent in the hotel blankets. I was having a crazy hair day that no flat iron could tame (thank you summer humidity). And I didn't like my outfit. It was black. A black suit. My mother said it looked nice and professional. I read that you should wear dark, solid colors to an interview. Only problem was that I didn't own any dark, solid colors - but I do have a lot of pink, red, and purple. So I found a suit, a nice, black suit, to wear for my interview - on a 90 degree day in August. I was going to roast in that nice, black suit - and pantyhose. Who in their right mind invented pantyhose?

I got dressed and ate part of a muffin that Brad brought up for me to eat. Somehow I got out of that room and into the car. Brad drove me to the Capitol Complex. I knew I had to go in Building 7 - where's Building 7? A very polite officer showed me from the car where to go.

Brad pointed and said, "See, it's right there. I'm going to let you out here so I don't have to feed a meter."

"Walk me to the door."

"It's right there. I have on my running shorts (which, side note, are hideously short). You'll be great."

I get out of the car and stand. The door is hanging open, but I knew if closed it he'd be off.

"Walk me to the door."

So Brad, in his runner garb, parked the car, fed the meter, and walked me, in my black suit and Payless heels (that I now have in every color because they are the only heels I can walk in), escorted me to Building 7. It was like crossing the Sahara Desert.

I got to the door. I had to open the door to go through security. This was really going to happen. I felt like all of my surroundings were melting away.

I stood there at the door. I've been to some large cities with skyscrapers, but in that moment that was the tallest, most foreboding structure I'd ever seen in my life. Suddenly, I realized Brad was gone. I head "Good luck," but he was high tailing it across the parking lot before I could respond (smooth move in hindsight).

I had no choice but to go inside, because I wasn't going to stand outside in my hot, black suit for an hour. I felt like I was about to enter an unknown world - and I was, just not in a way that I ever could imagine it.

I'm going to have to finish this story sometime tomorrow. It won't be Wednesday, but it will be worth it.

Rewind Wednesday: Last Year's Berkeley County Teacher of the Year Reception

I almost went an entire day without getting on the computer. Then I remembered it's been a while since I've written a "Rewind Wednesday" post.

One event I did not include in my blog posts, which put into motion all of the other experiences that have happened over the past eight months, was being named the Berkeley County Teacher of the Year. It gets lost in the shuffle of all the excitement and travel that has come with representing West Virginia that first I was selected to represent all the teachers in my county, the same school district I graduated from as a student.

I had been a finalist in 2011. All I wanted was to do better than last time. Speaking and interviewing is something that I have worked at to improve, because I didn't want it to hold me back or embarrass me ever again. I left the room after my interview not feeling defeated. Mission accomplished. Maybe in four or five years, I could "fix" myself enough to be selected for such an honor.

I've learned that, when something big is about to happen, nobody talks to you. Everyone tries to avoid you, because they know something and don't want to give it away. Looking back, I should have known something was up. I was getting ready to go to Germany with the Transatlantic Outreach Program in a few weeks, so that's where I was focusing my attention.

When I walked in Hedgesville High School for the reception that Monday evening, I knew something was up. I could feel it, along with the photographer taking lots of pictures of me and my family. My teacher friends were there. My former principal, who had recently retired, was there. Before I walked in the auditorium, I knew. No one had to say anything. And it was overwhelming.

With last year's finalist and teacher of the year

You have to know how far I've come to know why something like this, for me, was a monumental accomplishment. Ten years ago, I was so crippled with panic attacks I couldn't drive a car. Getting through the school day took every ounce of my energy. I witnessed a fatal car accident on I-81 at the beginning of the 2004-05 school year that sent my battle with anxiety into a tailspin. I was hopeful, with Tomahawk only being 10 minutes from my home, that I would be able to make my way to school each day.

With board member Darin Gilpin and principal Beth McCoy

 I wanted to function, to be adequate, to not be ashamed of myself. I desperately wanted to be able to get through an entire school day. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a teacher after all, but I was wanted to give it one more year.

Announcement

 Slowly, things changed. Because I landed at Tomahawk, the right people and opportunities came into my life. I never saw myself as polished or the best in any way. There are teachers I work with that are more pulled together than I could ever be. But I wanted to do things, create things, for children. My aunt was a first grade teacher for 37 years. She impacted the lives of hundreds of children and their families. Dawn rose from an upbringing in poverty to become a college graduate and an incredible influence on others. I hoped to be a fraction of that person. Dawn overcame her obstacles, and I wanted to conquer mine.

With board president William Queen and Superintendent Manny Arvon

Just getting to that point last year had been a long journey, and it was there I expected it to end. It was pure joy to be recognized for my accomplishments in the classroom. There couldn't possibly be anything that would top that night, and I was looking forward to a school year where I could share this honor with my classroom and school.

With instructional specialist Ernie Dotson

With the other finalists

I had no inkling by the end of the year my classroom would be the state of West Virginia. So much has transpired that last June feels like 10 years ago. Only I know it hasn't been that long, because 10 years ago I was a very broken soul.

The first of many interviews

With my parents

With Brad

In five days, the new teacher of the year for Berkeley County will be named. Everyone has a different story for what led them to become a teacher. I choose to share my personal struggles and journey because I know someone out there - be it a student, teacher, or anyone feeling defeated - needs to know that it's possible to pick yourself up, that the right people exist to lift you up and out of your situation. Today is not forever. There is hope and peace in choosing faith over fear, and most importantly, there can be joy in the journey.

With former principal John Spataro, Katie Miller, Heather McCain, and Beth McCoy

Rewind Wednesday: Digital Learning Day

I write this as the snow begins to fall here in the Eastern Panhandle. The past week has been busy, but the weather is going to ground us for the next few days. I've had several wonderful experiences in the last seven days, so many that I'll have to split them into several posts. We'll start with Digital Learning Day.

February 5th was National Digital Learning Day, which promotes awareness and encourages the use of technology in our schools. It's a chance to showcase the amazing ways that teachers are able to connect their students to the world that ten years ago wasn't fathomable. So much has changed in how we can reach our students, in ways that those outside of the education community may not know about unless they visit a classroom on a regular basis.

Wired for success!

Part of my job as teacher of the year is to feature the classrooms in our state and draw attention to how our schools are moving forward with the tools of tomorrow. To recognize Digital Learning Day, I visited Mary C. Snow West Side Elementary in Charleston to conduct a lesson to second graders via video conference with three other second grade classrooms across the state. In addition to the students at Mary C. Snow in Kanawha County, students at Hollywood Elementary in Raleigh County, Burch Elementary in Mingo County, and Norwood Elementary in Harrison County learned about the state symbols of West Virginia and some of its landforms with the help of Berkeley the Bear. I have been meaning to write a blog post all about Berkeley and his mission this year, but things keep happening...maybe since I'll be snowed in the rest of the week, I will get around to it. Check out his blog in the meantime to see what he's been up to. Yes, the bear has a blog. Humor me.

When I arrived at Mary C. Snow, Gerald Comer, the academic coach, took me on a tour of the school. It is a beautiful, K-5 school with 500+ students. Everything about that school made me feel positive and proud to represent educators in West Virginia. Every child should have such a caring staff and exciting, vibrant atmosphere to learn. Something I loved particularly was how there were large, poster-sized pictures on the walls of their students in action. I think that is great for those visiting the school, such as those in the community, to see that when they walk in and immediately know what that school is all about.

Berkeley's ready for his big debut!

We held the video conference in the school's library. I was met as soon as I arrived by a lot of very hard working people that had coordinated this event, because making sure you have video conference software equipment in working condition from four locations AND internet access AND all schools accounted for AND the presentation on the computer AND the teacher of the year who lives four and a half hours away is no small feat. I appreciate all of the "people power" behind making Digital Learning Day successful.

Click here to go to the WVDE's YouTube clip of Digital Learning Day.

So at 10:00 the video conference began - and I was excited - because I miss the kids most of all this year, and what was I getting for 20 minutes? Four classrooms at once!!! Whoo-hoo! That's every teacher of the year's dream, if you are missing your own classroom. Of course, they were great. I love West Virginia, and I am looking forward to sharing Berkeley and all his buddies as they help young children learn about their beautiful state. This was the first time I presented Berkeley to students - didn't think about that until everything had started and I looked at all the cameras and the computer screen showing the other classrooms.

Introducing Berkeley and the rest of the state symbols :-) 

Talking about the Mountain State!

Movements for the landforms :-)

Talking with the other students across the state. Pretty amazing, wouldn't you say?

The best part :-)

Getting bookmarks with Berkeley's favorite facts about West Virginia!

Speaking to Eyewitness New after the event. I love this part of my job, because it's a chance for the public to hear from a teacher about what is going on in our schools - and there are so many good things they need to hear!

Back to all those hard working people. I go through theses "waves" of feeling that I don't deserve all of the goodness that has come to pass since October (has it really been that long?!), so I am very grateful to all of the helpers I come across the way. So I would like to thank the following people that made Digital Learning Day happen:
- Liza Cordeiro for coordinating the event and introducing me to the students
- Mellow Lee, the principal of Mary C. Snow Elementary, for allowing us to come to her wonderful school
- Gerald Comer, for letting me see and learn about your amazing school and how it serves the community
- Mark Williamson and his team from CISCO
- the team at CityNet in Morgantown that coordinated the video conference
- Brian Adkins, Shannon Poole, Leah Sparks, and Connie Mirgliotta from Kanawha County Schools and Anthony Gill from RESA III for their help in setting up the equipment and making the video conference run smoothly
- Greg Chapman from the WVDE who taped the event and put together the video
-  The students and teachers at Mary C. Snow, Norwood, Hollywood, and Burch Elementary Schools
- and last but not least Mark Moore, who took pictures and video for me, showed me how to get to the Capitol complex, parallel parked my car for me along the street because there was no parking at the Capitol complex (and I can't parallel park anymore...okay, ever), and put quarters in the meter so I didn't have to leave the meeting I attended after the Digital Learning Day event. Thankful...embarrassed to be such a pain...but absolutely thankful.

It was energizing to having my first "meeting" with students outside of Berkeley County through Digital Learning Day. Technology is the great equalizer and connector to bringing our classrooms and teachers together, and to kick off my message to school children this way is just a sign of all the great things to come - right after we dig ourselves out of another snowstorm.

Rewind Wednesday, Part Two: Toyota Highmark Press Conference

The following morning, I was recognized at a press event back at the capitol by Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin, State Superintendent of schools Jim Phares, and WV Board of Education President Gayle Manchin. I was also recognized by Doug Sheilds of Toyota Manufacturing, who presented me with the Prius to use as I travel the state this year, as well as Fred Early and Catherine McAlister (president and manager of communications, respectively), who present the teacher of the year with an unrestricted $5,000.

Approaching the capitol that morning

On our way inside, I happened to see...

Remarks by Gov. Tomblin

Thank you Highmark Blue Cross Blue Shield!

Thank you Toyota!

What is a press conference like? Well, there are lots of cameras and flashes that are going off all at once. Whenever I see a camera, I want to look at the person taking the picture and smile (because my mother always told me to smile nice for the camera, you know), but what they want you to do is act natural and pretend they aren't there. Which is hard when there are 20+ of them. I wish I would have had Brad throw me my phone before I started speaking so I could have taken a picture of it to show you what it looks like. It's pretty exciting and fun.

Picture from the WVDE Facebook Page

I was also given the opportunity to make some remarks and express my gratitude to Toyota and Highmark for their generosity. You can watch my speech above. I also spoke about some of the programs I've created that I am looking forward to sharing with the students and teachers of West Virginia this year - but I will save those for another blog post.

We then went outside so they could officially present me with the car. I also did some interviews for the local news stations.

Picture from WVDE Facebook page

Getting positioned for pictures - and showing me how to turn on the car (hey it's a push button start...otherwise I would know how to start a car :-)

With the WV Board of Education

Speaking to the media

Berkeley the Bear also got some press time, but he will share that with his readers on his own blog. If that just sounded a little strange, check out his site, and I will explain on here in another blog post :-)

I had a wonderful time in Charleston and am "pumped" to represent West Virginia's teachers this year. I was really, truly sad to learn on the way home of the water emergency due to the chemical spill that is now impacting the southern counties of the state. I know there have been a lot of efforts here locally in the Eastern Panhandle to gather bottled water and supplies for those impacted by this emergency. As I told Jenni Vincent, a report for The Journal (our local  newspaper) prior to the State of the State address, those in the far Eastern Panhandle sometimes feel cut off from the rest of the state. In times of crisis you do get to see that, whatever part of the state we hail from, we are all West Virginians.

Next week I head to Scottsdale, Arizona, for the first conference with all of the other state teachers of the year. Just keeping it real, I'm a little intimidated by that, and I hope that I represent all of the teachers in our state well next week and in the months to come.

Rewind Wednesday, Part One: State of the State Address

Well, I began this post on a Wednesday and am finishing it on a Thursday, so technically, it's still a Rewind Wednesday post.

Last week I was honored at our beautiful state capitol during the State of the State address. I guess you could call it the official "kick off" to my year representing West Virginia. I was excited to attend - and a little nervous. I still wonder every once in a while if this is all really happening and if I'm the best person for the job.

Sitting in the governor's chair  before pictures (shhh...:-)

You know it's "for real" when...

The view from the balcony of the Delegate's Chamber 

Another view

Places, everyone!

Before the address, I had the opportunity to meet and speak with representatives of Toyota and Highmark Blue Cross Blue Shield, which support the teacher of the program and provide the state teacher of the year with the use of a Toyota Prius for a year and $5,000 from Highmark. I also met with our governor, Earl Ray Tomblin, and First Lady Joanne Tomblin. You can view the official pictures of the State of the State and the honored guests at this Flickr link. If you would like to see the address, you can view it at this link on WV Public Broadcasting. I appear about 22-23 minutes into the speech.

Okay, this is funny. I knew ahead of time when I was to stand and acknowledge the governor during the address. So, if you watch that part of the speech, you'll see me stand up - and then, everybody in the chamber stood up and clapped for me. My face kind of does one of those "Whoa" looks, because that's a lot of people giving one little person all that applause. And they kept clapping, and clapping, so I kept standing, and standing. The entire time, though, I was a little worried, because I'm thinking "Okay, are they clapping because I'm still standing or am I still standing because they're still clapping?" Regardless, I was very moved by it all. So I had my possibly extended minute of fame on WV Public Television.

With Brad after the address

With Woody Wilson, Medal of Honor recipient

Our state capitol building is stunning - especially at night. It is made of nine different types of marble, and the dome is gold guild. It has been years since I have been in the capitol, and never at night when the chandeliers are all ablaze. The sphere chandelier in the dome (I call it the "Cinderella chandelier" but that isn't what it's really called, it just what I think of when I look at it.) weighs 4,000 pounds and has the lighting power of 15,000 candles. No picture can do it justice! Each of the chandeliers in the Delegate's and Senate chamber has 10,000 pieces of rock crystal. They are equally stunning.

The crowd after the address

The "Cinderella chandelier" with Sen. Robert Byrd's statue in the background

Beautiful, intricate ceiling!

Senate Chamber

Looks like 10,000 pieces of rock crystal to me!

It was a special, exciting night. It makes me cry when people send me texts and e-mails when they "see" me somewhere, whether it's on the local news or in the newspaper. I don't think I will ever feel worthy of it, maybe just incredibly humbled and personally obligated to repay the love that has been shown to me for the rest of my life.

Good night, Charleston! See you tomorrow!